


Feels Like Home

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Hurt, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:06:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Yuri stared at the ceiling.He felt like he had done nothing else in months.He liked it, somehow, doing it; a ceiling is a ceiling, right?They’re the same in most of the houses, except for different shades. And looking at it, he could very well imagine he was elsewhere.





	Feels Like Home

Yuri stared at the ceiling.

He felt like he had done nothing else in months.

He liked it, somehow, doing it; a ceiling is a ceiling, right?

They’re the same in most of the houses, except for different shades. And looking at it, he could very well imagine he was elsewhere.

But there were still things he couldn’t ignore.

There was Yuya’s scent. There was the sound of his breath, heavy while he slept next to him. There was his taste still on his lips.

No. As hard as he tired, Yuri was there, and there was no way he could actually pretend to be anywhere else.

He turned around the sheets a couple of times, restless.

It was rare, after all, for him to sleep peacefully in that house; he had been sleeping in that bed for months, in that identical situation, but he still hadn’t grown accustomed to all the small things that didn’t let him feel at home.

First of all, the ‘I love you’ the elder whispered in his ears before falling asleep.

He wrapped an arm around his waist, his chest against his back and held him close, while Yuri was forced to wait for him to fall asleep to escape that hold, laying far from him so that he wouldn’t feel the warmth of his skin.

To close his eyes, and decide that after all that was the path he had chosen for himself, and that now he had no right to feel that damn sad every time Yuya was close to him.

He hated himself for what he was doing to him.

He hated himself for all the love the elder wasted on him, when he knew he wasn’t reciprocated.

He hated himself, because after all this time he still hadn’t managed to accept that this was what he deserved, and that there was nothing more he could do.

But he had tried, he really had.

When Yuya had gone to him and told him he loved him, in his awkward way, it had seemed almost natural to him to tell him that they could try and be together.

For a long time now he had resigned to a love with no outlet, and he had thought long about his perspectives, about the loneliness he felt every night, coming back home and finding it empty.

Yuya wasn’t the love of his life, and he was never going to be.

He was a solution, nothing else.

And as much as he tired, he couldn’t help but making him feel just like that.

He got up, giving up on sleeping.

That night was worse than usual; it had become an obsession, something he couldn’t help but think constantly, a thought that never abandoned him.

He wandered through the apartment and he imagined a different place from Takaki’s.

The elder touched him, and it was different hands he imagined on him.

It was all different, what went through his mind.

He grabbed his phone, and quickly dialled the number he knew by heart.

He stared at it for a long time, then cancelled it.

It was a gesture he did a few times during the day.

He never called, and he didn’t feel better after having done so, but it was like he felt compelled to.

He looked at the time, turning his nose up.

It was over midnight, and he knew he shouldn’t have gotten out, that it wasn’t safe doing that on his own, that ringing a doorbell at those unholy hours would’ve given a heart attack to whomever was on the other side of the door.

But Yuri had lost his rationality.

Inside, he bore only an immense sadness, which he wasn’t willing to live with anymore.

 

~

 

When Hikaru got to the door, he understood from the sharp look in his eyes that he hadn’t woken him up.

He looked worried, of course, and after all it was past one in the morning by now.

Chinen shouldn’t have been there, and he felt like turning back and starting to run.

After having reassured him telling him that he was fine, Yuri had gotten inside and had sat down on the couch, while the elder followed his every move, more and more confused.

“Chii... it’s really late. What are you doing here?” he asked, sitting in front of him, frowning.

The other bit his lip, shrugging.

“I was at Yuya’s tonight. And... I don’t know. I felt suffocating, I needed to get out.” he blushed, all of a sudden, not knowing how to explain himself. “I’m sorry to have bothered you. I shouldn’t have come, I...” Yaotome raised his hand to stop him.

“You didn’t, don’t worry. I was working on a song, I wasn’t sleepy. I’m just concerned. Are you sure everything’s fine?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

And Yuri decided he couldn’t take it anymore.

He decided that he didn’t like that confused look at all, he decided that he had been waiting years for this, and he couldn’t afford to go back home empty handed, not this time.

It was something he owed to himself after all the suffering he had had to bear, after all he had imposed to himself to look for a happiness that clearly didn’t belong to him.

So he got up and went toward Hikaru, sitting next to him and getting closer, until their lips were pressed together.

Chinen tasted that kiss. He tasted Hikaru’s lips, he tested their texture, and he was glad to find them as he had always imagined them.

He knew what was going to happen then, but when he felt Hikaru push him abruptly away he couldn’t help but feeling disappointed.

He wished it could’ve never ended.

He liked the taste of those lips.

“Yuri... what’s wrong with you?”

Hikaru didn’t seem surprised as he would’ve thought. Uncomfortable, maybe. And perhaps even annoyed, but Yuri wasn’t going to let that stop him. Not now, not when all that had gone through his mind during the past years was about to surface.

He was too far gone now.

He took a deep breath, putting an order to the words in his mind.

“It’s since I’ve been living with Yuya that I think about it, Hikaru. I... I’ve always felt something, but since I’ve been to that apartment I feel like I’m not really home. I can’t. Not with him, at least.” he looked around. “This is the place I truly feel mine, Hikaru. And... and I wished you could be as well.” he frowned, sad, before feigning a laugh. “It’s impossible, isn’t it?”

Hikaru kept looking at him, expressionless.

And he kept silent for what seemed like centuries to Chinen, before he decided to speak.

“Yuri, I’m... I’m sorry. I thought that you were over this, that with Yuya was alright, that you were happy, I...”

He didn’t say anything else. He lowered his eyes, looking sincerely sorrowful.

But Yuri didn’t care.

He wondered how long he had known, what had he thought when he had first realized it, he wondered how stupid must’ve looked to his eyes a kid in love with him with no hope to be loved back.

And he didn’t care how sorry he was.

It didn’t make him feel better, it didn’t drive that sadness away, that feeling of uselessness, that lack of a future in front of him.

There was nothing left for him to do, just resign to that rejection full of a pity he had no use for.

He stood up, and quickly reached the door.

Hikaru didn’t even try to stop him. He kept sitting there, he didn’t look at him, he didn’t say a thing.

And Yuri felt even more stupid, and even more disgusting.

He ran, he ran as fast as he could.

And he cried, too, because he had nothing left to lose, he had no dignity left to preserve, not even in his own eyes.

He went back to that road leading to a house he didn’t feel his own, in a bed where he wouldn’t have wanted to smell his scent, in a room that had seen him too many times give his own body to a man that he was never going to love, as if it had no worth at all, as if he had given himself up to Yuya because he didn’t have a use for himself.

He arrived to the door, aware that if he had gone back in he would’ve went on with his lie until Yuya would’ve grown tired of that love that he wasn’t able to feel.

And he did so, because he had nowhere else to go.

He was alone, after all.

Once inside he tried not to make a sound, as to not wake Takaki.

He went back to bed, and couldn’t help but keep on crying.

And sought shelter in Yuya’s arms again, resigning to the fact that this was his place.


End file.
